Group Dynamic

Alan Feirer's thoughts on leadership issues

Archive for the ‘Grace’ tag

Q: When can you criticize freely?

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John Robinson, courtesy of 103.7 The Buzz.

A: When the relationship is strong enough, AND, according to coach John Robinson:

“Never criticize until the person is convinced of your unconditional confidence in their abilities.”

When I think of the people in my life that I willingly take criticism and feedback from, without taking it personally (though my wife and friends may point out that I still get a bit defensive), I realize the following:

They have faith in me.

Think of the people who get defensive when you address or criticize them.

Do they KNOW you have TOTAL faith in them?  Or are they normal, and somewhat (or a lot) insecure?

Once you get to a great professional relationships, and they know you believe in them, you can start to give critical feedback.  Until you hit that point, it will be less effective.

IMPORTANT: Continue to give positive feedback to reinforce that faith, at a ratio of 3 to 1, positive to negative. And make it specific.

Thanks so much to Ned Parks and his “Monday Moments” for illuminating me to this great quote.  I suggest you subscribe also.  One of the most concise mailings I get.

Written by Alan Feirer

February 5th, 2014 at 9:44 am

Another Leader’s Dilemma: Grace vs. Enabling

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Jayson and Alan discuss: Sometimes leaders need to walk the fine line between consistency and flexibility.


Related Post: Grace vs. Enabling

Written by Alan Feirer

September 18th, 2013 at 9:15 am

Leaders avoid interrupting and having the last word.

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Matt and Alan discuss the ways that interrupting or insisting on having the last word can interfere with a leader’s intention to connect with others.

Related posts:

Effective leaders stand out:

Part one

Part two

Written by Alan Feirer

August 7th, 2013 at 8:39 am

Leaders apologize, and teach others how to do so

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Matt shares the Quantum Apology Model with Alan; the AAMR method helps leaders – and anyone – apologize with sincerity and grace in order to improve positive relationships and move forward from conflict or misunderstanding.

Related posts:

What if someone rejects an apology?


Written by Alan Feirer

July 10th, 2013 at 8:24 am

How to deal with self-centered behavior…

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In a sense, self-centered behavior is normal.

If people tend to act in self-interest, how do WE deal with that, and get THEM to think beyond themselves? Take a couple minutes to hear Matt and Alan address this.

Previous posts on this topic:

Four levels of maturity

Four-way stops

Dealing with your own tendencies

Written by Alan Feirer

April 24th, 2013 at 8:02 am

What if someone doesn’t accept an apology?

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A couple weeks ago, I shared the Quantum Apology Formula.

Two days ago, someone asked “Yeah, but what if Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Alan Feirer

February 20th, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Leaders say sorry, and mean it: The Quantum Apology Model

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Dear friend, fellow educator, and previous guess blogger Matt Pries likes to share the following model, with is derived from the Quantum Learning school of thought: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Alan Feirer

January 23rd, 2013 at 9:34 am

Leaders let people grieve in their own way

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Everyone works through grief and the aftermath of trauma in their own way.  Some of us have had success navigating stages of grief, and others have dealt with tragedy in their own, unclassifiable way.

It feels safe to say that everyone is Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Alan Feirer

December 19th, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Posted in Integrity,Positivity

Tagged with , ,

Leaders stay sensitive this time of year

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This is a “rerun” from last year; some events of the last month have convinced me to share it anew:

We’re just a couple weeks from the Winter Solstice, the shortest darkest day of the year. A contrast to the holiday season, it can exacerbate hidden internal sadness in those around us.

I love Christmas music.  But not all of it at the same level of love.  I prefer minor keys, obscure pieces, and bleak moods that reflect peace and/or sadness.  “God Rest Ye Merry” is a good one, as is “‘Twas in the Moon of Wintertime.”  There’s a lot of good stuff in the French, Celtic, and British choir traditions traditions that are haunting.

Two favorite Christmas music albums are “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and “If on a Winter’s Night…”  The latter comes from Sting, who hits on a major theme of this time of year in the liner notes:

…I have an ambivalent attitude towards the celebration of Christmas.  For many, it is a period of intense loneliness and alienation… Winter is a time of darkness and introspection… [and] the gravitational pull of home that Christmas exerts on the traveller.

Walking amid the snows of Winter, or sitting entranced in a darkened room gazing at the firelight, usually evokes in me a mood of reflection, a mood that can be at times philosophical, at other wildly irrational; I find myself haunted by memories.

This can be a joyful and jolly time of year; so many lights and happy music and gatherings. But many folks are like Sting; haunted by memories of sadness exacerbated by the short dark days and the contrast with the flaunting of joy.

Enjoy the season – the lights, music, gatherings, festivities – but please stay sensitive. And allow yourself to feel the melancholy, too.  That can add to the beauty.

Happy New Year.

Written by Alan Feirer

December 12th, 2012 at 8:06 am

A Good Question…

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I ate in a London pub with a group once, and the server made a mistake when calculating the bill.  Unfortunately, he didn’t believe us, and our argument kept escalating.  I got a little, um, Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Alan Feirer

May 3rd, 2012 at 8:23 am

The Allegory of the Four-Way Stop

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Four-way stops are easy, right?  Stop, then take your turn after everyone else has gone. Is it a tie? Person on the right goes first. Easy. No problem.

Does everyone totally adhere to The Rules of the Four Way Stop? I bet they think they do. But you’ve seen these… Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Alan Feirer

April 4th, 2012 at 10:17 am

Leaders share, abundantly

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In an earlier post, I wrote of the value of picking up the phone to ask for help, information, or other assistance from fellow professionals.

What do you do when you get that call?

Share.  Abundantly.

In my former Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Alan Feirer

January 25th, 2012 at 1:03 pm